Farmed and Dangerous: Episode 4, Ends Meat

This week, the fourth and final installment of Chipotle’s web-based series Farmed and Dangerous premiered on Hulu. (Check out our recaps of Episode 1, Episode 2 and Episode 3.)

Episode 4 :  Ends Meat (Spoiler alert!)

This week’s Farmed and Dangerous finale opens with Chip in a dingy interrogation room. Tough-sounding Keystone Cops bluster and fumble around until Chip asks them to just get his phone, so he can show them Sophia’s text asking him to come to MegaFarm, thus proving he’s no trespasser. Zack’s watching this from behind the two-sided glass (of course) and says he’ll be back later. He’s got a big night ahead!

Animoil’s “Milking America Since 1972” banner hangs in the shiny white airplane hangar-sized floor of MegaFarm where Zack’s big opening party is in full swing. We track through the crowd until we arrive at Dr. Van Riefkind, fretting to Zack about all of those explosive cows just overhead. Zack just cackles nefariously and summons some FIST (Food Industry Security Team) officers to haul the good German doctor away. 

Zack struts over to Sophia and tells her that it’s time to go to the next level. Oh boy. Zack, I’m going to stop you right here and point out that you’ve already topped out on Cartoon Villainy, so…where is there left to go, exactly? He pushes a whopper of a blood diamond engagement rock onto her thumb and asks, “You in?” Daddies Dearest Buck and Mick swoop in to congratulate Zack for “finally buying the cow.” Buck’s not thrilled about the prenup, which could have gone better, but he’s got a boxful of cash for his daughter. True romance all around, amirite Sophia?

Just then, we hear the BOOM! of a distant explosion. IFIB execs pass it off as a great beat from party DJ Kamikaze. Chip’s coworker Amanda blusters in, FIST officer trailing, and accuses Sophia of luring Chip into a trap with her texted invite to tour MegaFarm. Sophia denies any involvement in Chip’s now 48-hour disappearance. On Amanda’s way back out, BOOM! In quick succession, four or five more explosions rock the building, and as guests flee for the exits, Buck’s tossing car keys: “You get a new car! And you get a car! And you! And you!” He’s really relishing this Oprah impersonation.

Later, we arrive at the surrealistic portion of the episode – it’s Special Effects Time! Sophia’s dreaming; she, Zack and Buck are all dressed in white, and she and Zack are starring in an ad for faux milk products actually made from oil; Buck’s toting a silver pistol and white-clad Chip shows up as a natural milk delivery guy. Sophia starts vomiting black oil with teeth in it, and the screen cuts between white and all-red backgrounds. Chip, Buck and the singer from Episode 2 are all dancing to the show’s theme song, also Chip’s ringtone.

Sophia awakens, calmer than I’d certainly be, and seems a bit puzzled as she licks her lips and checks on all of her teeth. We hear Chip’s ringtone playing, muted slightly, and she pads over to Zack’s closet, rifling through some suit jackets till she finds Chip’s phone in one of the pockets and sees the text sent in her name that set up Chip. Cut to Zack offering our hero a nondisclosure agreement to sign that would get Animoil off Chip’s back legally but require him to resign from the Sustainable Family Farming Association, take down his protest website and never disparage any of the company’s products again. Chip’s not having it, because Zack’s just too ridiculous.

Zack continues the charm spree as he comes home the next morning and tells Sophia that the FBI knows Chip’s to blame for the cow explosions the night before. She’s not having it, because Zack’s just too ridiculous, and she knows something’s up, so she’s off to confront Buck, who’s cleaning one of his guns in his home office.

Sort of brandishing her own pistol, Sophia demands to know how much Buck’s involved in this mess, and they’re soon joined by her mom, also playing with a gun. “We’re all in this together,” Buck explains, and tells Sophia that she’s maybe not thinking right about Chip since he gave her that tomato. (Wait, what?) Sophia accuses Buck of spying on her – and he says no, he lets the experts do that. Just then - BOOM! Mama Marshall shoots some of her homemade biscuits by accident. (You may want to rethink that Estonian mistress, Buck.)

Sophia’s next stop on her Redemption Tour: the Sustainable Family Farming Association offices, where she and Amanda bicker until Sophia hands her the box of engagement money and Chip’s cellphone so the charges can be dropped and they can pay some lawyers or something. Probably not a ton of lawyers (unless those are hundreds) but still, it’s the thought, right?

Later, a nervous Buck heads to Animoil where, as it turns out, he’s the man of the hour. You see, while all of this PetroPellet MegaFarm business went down, Animoil got their line of petroleum-based foodstuffs out on the market with nary a peep. Oleyum offers mac and cheese, Oleyum O’s (complete with a dinosaur on the front!) O’s soda and Oleyum baby food, among other gross things. Zack’s “come down with a bad case of Brand New Ferrari” and it’s champers all around for Mick, Buck and company!

Chip catches Sophia outside of IFIB’s offices just as Buck wheels his monster SUV into the lot. Chip says that he now realizes that the Sustainable Family Farming Association needs a messaging expert and offers Sophia a gig. Buck says no, she’ll be staying at IFIB and we cut from Sophia’s pondering to…

Doughy-looking John Consumer sits at a picnic table with his wife, Jane, commenting that their son just loves those new Oleyum crackers. John’s trying to light a cigarette, but his lighter is just not working well, when suddenly…

Burning Questions after Episode 4

  • I’m reiterating last week’s big question, because it’s the one I’m still mulling: Will Sophia end up moving to Chip’s family farm and hosting awesome barbecues where Buck has to walk amongst chickens? Because that would be entertaining.
  • Was Zack so cartoon-y because Buck was pulling his strings the whole time? I just refuse to believe in that character. Zack, not Buck.
  • Anyone else smell a sequel?'

Notable Quotables, Week 4

  • “No, McDonald’s doesn’t own Chipotle. Just a rumor I started. That’s still got legs.” – Buck
  • “What’s true? Bogus lawsuits? Cow tumors? Mistresses from Estonia?”  – Buck
  • “What if we produce a satire that pulls back the curtain on the disturbing world of sustainable farming?” – IFIB executive

Farmed and Dangerous is available on Hulu or Hulu Plus.